Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
