I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
