overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize