the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
