Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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