well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
