She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you told grandpa to call you daddy
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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