Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
