so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
