my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
