i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Someone signed my nipple.
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