the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
