I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
