who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
