I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
