Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found your dick twin last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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