there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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