You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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