Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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