We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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