He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
