I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
