I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
