remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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