My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
