there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize