EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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