haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
