I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
