The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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