SEEEEXXX PLEASE
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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