i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
