her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
