Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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