after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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