I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My pussy is not your playground.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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