cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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