Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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