she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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