i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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