I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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