Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can't put those talents on a resume
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
