Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
we should paint friendship bongs
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
