No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
