i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
