***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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