I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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