it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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