Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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