he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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