I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
