does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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