NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
