Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
