I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
