So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
