You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize