I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
