The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
