I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
