dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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