Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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