I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
