i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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