I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
